{"id":14357,"date":"2021-03-24T13:56:05","date_gmt":"2021-03-24T19:56:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/midlifeglobetrotter.com\/?p=14357"},"modified":"2025-06-10T12:21:18","modified_gmt":"2025-06-10T18:21:18","slug":"self-differentiation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/midlifeglobetrotter.com\/self-differentiation\/","title":{"rendered":"Self Differentiation In a Midlife Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t

PERSONAL ESSAY<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t

\u00a0With midlife came the need to create space for myself, to remember who I was separate from my marriage<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

\n\t\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t

Self differentiation can mean different things at different stages. Teens differentiate as a way to<\/span> form their own identities, distinct from their families<\/span>.\u00a0 Apparently, so do some midlife women. If a marquee had hung over 48-year-old me, it would have read Now Showing: Woman who wants to figure out who she is besides wife, mom, volunteer, writer and dog walker.\u00a0<\/i><\/span><\/p>

Looking back, I was searching for differentiation before I even realized I needed it. I felt an almost aching desire to redefine who I was, separate from my family, and especially my marriage.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\"susan\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t

Self-Differentiation in a Midlife Marriage<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t

I had been happily carrying along in my marriage of 18 years when an emotional storm rolled in. It shook me awake to the reality that I needed to make changes in my life. Unfortunately, I didn\u2019t know what they were. The one thing I did know: I. Needed. Space.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>

Telling your husband you are struggling and unhappy is uncomfortable and scary. Understandably, he had questions. <\/span>But I didn’t have answers.<\/span><\/p>

Even with a patient, supportive husband – which I am fortunate to have – it was tough.\u00a0 I\u2019ve since learned that being willing to have uncomfortable\u00a0 conversations was the beginning of my midlife differentiation.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\"women\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t

Self-Differentiation Within Marriage<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t

Dr. Ellen Bayder, PhD and <\/span>co-founder of The Couples Institute <\/em><\/span><\/a><\/span>defines differentiation as \u201cthe active ongoing process of a person being able to define their thoughts, their feelings, and their wishes to their partner, and to be able to tolerate their partner doing the same thing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>

She says often people are afraid of showing their authentic self because they want to avoid an argument or worry it might jeopardize their relationship. But hiding your true self from your spouse\u2014not ideal, obviously.<\/p>

And yet women routinely deny our needs. Perhaps we don’t want to voice frustration because we feel like we are complaining. Or we feel it’s selfish to ask for more. Or, like me, we dislike conflict and don\u2019t want to \u201crock the boat\u201d. But according to Dr. Bayder, we do ourselves and our relationships a disservice when we aren’t honest about our feelings and needs. Our relationships get stuck; they can’t grow and change along with us.\u00a0<\/p>

I wasn\u2019t even aware of the extent to which I was not voicing all of my feelings. Until midlife that is, when the part of me that knew I needed to change, got my attention in the form of the previously mentioned emotional storm. I write more in-depth about that here: Emotional Upheaval at Midlife.\u00a0<\/span><\/a>
<\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\"Susan\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t

Four Ways I Differentiate<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t